Being able to help people the way I do is awesome and weird and cool and freaky all in one go. I have helped locate a missing child and a few pets, I have shared messages from Guides and Loved Ones, I have been able to reassure people and help put their minds to rest. I’ve heard conversations months before they happened, met my children years before they were born, and been gifted with flashes of some of my past lives – which has helped me to understand some of the life lessons I have this time around. I have sent healing energy long distance, as well as done readings for friends in various parts of the world. I have helped people new to their Path by providing them with answers to questions they didn’t even know they wanted to ask. That all sounds pretty cool right? And it is, honest! But there are days, like today, when I would just like to be (dare I say it)  normal.

Phew, now that that’s out in the open… It isn’t an everyday kind of feeling; I do like being an Intuitive Medium. When I was younger I would say I wanted to have telepathic and telekinetic super powers. Funny how things turn out; still waiting for the day I can move things simply by thinking about doing so, but being an Intuitive Medium is kinda close to being a Telepath.

Being an Intuitive Medium, or a Sensitive of any kind, comes with a price to pay. I often find crowded spaces to be too overwhelming, all that energy trapped in a small space with nowhere to go. Emotions, fears, insecurities, and even depression and other mental challenges are like an irritant that touches an exposed nerve. I’ve lost count of how often I’ve picked up on someones anxiety (or anger, happiness, sexual arousal, ennui) and felt it as my own. It tends to get confusing and distracting, and makes attending events difficult at the best of times. Too many people can lead to sensory overload. It isn’t their fault that I can pick up on what they’re feeling, or suffer headaches because of it. Shielding myself is an option, but one that uses a large amount of energy, and at the end of the day I don’t often have much left with which to protect myself, so I withdraw from friends and shy away from events.

Sometimes being an Intuitive Medium with Empathic abilities makes friendships and relationships difficult. The more time I spend around someone, the more the lines between who they are and who I am get blurred. If I’m not careful I can adopt my friends mannerisms, their preferences, even their habits. I quit smoking years ago, and have no desire to start that habit up again, and yet when I’m spending time with friends who smoke I can feel their cravings and taste their cigarettes.

Time isn’t the only factor in making a connection with someone; intensity of the relationship is as well. The stronger an emotional connection to a person, the stronger the potential for a link becomes. I’ve picked up on things in the lives of close friends and family members without meaning to, simply because that link was there and is almost always turned on. There was the time I knew a friend had gotten back together with their ex-girlfriend because I could see exactly what was happening between them in real-time, like a movie streaming before my eyes. I’ve heard my best friends laughter from the other side of the country and knew they had good news to tell me  even before the phone rang. I have a habit of answering questions before they’re asked, which one friend has said kind of freaks her out  but she’s gotten used to it. I knew who my daughter was going to marry, even before he thought of asking her. Some things are very difficult to keep to myself, but I do because I don’t want to spoil the surprise. *wink* Other things that I pick up on I might not share because it isn’t my place to share, it’s a part of the lesson(s) that need to be experienced. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to see people I care about go through pain that could have been avoided.

Dating can be interesting, and that’s the polite way of putting it. At what point in time do you explain to someone that you have abilities that set you apart from the crowd? How will that person react? Some think it is cool  Oh, you can hear dead people? Neat! Others realize potential hazards pretty quick  So, this link thing, how does that work? Is there a privacy setting? Can you read my mind anytime you want to? *sigh* It doesn’t quite work that way. I mean, I could actively tap into a link, but I view that as an invasion of privacy, on a level more invasive than reading someones private emails/texts or going through their drawers. But I don’t always control what I see, much like the friend I mentioned that got back together with their ex. I try to shut down as much as I can when I’m around certain people but then I feel cold, hard, distant; and I don’t like not being myself around people I like. It takes up too much energy, and it physically hurts me. The alternative is accidentally forming a link with someone who would be freaked out by the idea of it, and/or couldn’t handle it.

Every now and again I throw a temper tantrum, for lack of a better phrase. I get angry at The Powers That Be. I remind them that I am human being, with human feelings, human wants, and human requirements. They forget, sometimes, that as a human being I require sleep, and They’ll send messages all through the night (few of which I remember). They forget, sometimes, that as a human being I need social interaction with people who don’t give me a headache and that sometimes a cup of coffee with a friend needs to be JUST a cup of coffee with a friend. They forget, sometimes, that as a human being a little positive re-enforcement can go a long way – but it wanes and I need more.

What set off my most recent tantrum was learning a new word. I have gone through a variety of abilities through the years. Some have strengthened and developed and grown, others have been shed as new ones were introduced. One of the abilities that hit me a few years ago was being able to taste things during a reading, which is apparently known as Clairaugustine. To be more specific, something would come up in the reading that would literally leave a bad taste in my mouth, usually an abusive person connected to the person I was giving a reading to. I couldn’t even begin to describe it, unless I was to experience it again. Each time it has come up, I was left gagging and reaching for my water bottle. On the one hand, it’s always nice to know someone else in the world has experienced something I have experienced (and given it a name!), it tends to make me feel a little less alone. On the other hand, yay I have a new multi-syllable word for a weird ability I have that sets me apart from the normal people even more! I have been dealing with some pretty weird shit since I was in my early to mid teens, and this just felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back. The more weird shit I deal with, the higher the level of weirdness gets. And what gets me the most is: I know its only going to get weirder. I already feel alone as it is, with no one to stand with me as I face the Weirdness and the Darkness. And knowing that there are very few people out there who understand what I’m going through makes it feel all that more overwhelming.

Some days I wish there was an off switch, just so I could spend the day as a normal person  that I could meet people and not get squicked by their negative energy, that I could shake hands with someone and not pick up on something that happened in their childhood, that I could talk with someone and not have this stream of information hit my Third Eye with such intensity that I feel like I’m going to throw up. But if there were an on/off switch, how often would I leave it in the off position? It would be too tempting to leave it there  and that would defeat the purpose of having the abilities. I never know when a message is going to come through for a person who desperately needs it, and there’s no such thing as Psychic Voicemail. Please leave Your message after the beep and I’ll pass it along as soon as I’m in a better headspace – beeeeeeeeeeep

Please share this blog with friends. Someone may find answers they are seeking.

The Bruja Roja
(originally published  July 12, 2015)